One in a Million
The one once loved.
The one with unaccomplished dreams.
The one with unanswered questions.
The one with missing pieces.
The one that did not live.
The one that has felt pain more than joy.
The one unseen and unheard.
The one in no photographs.
The one with no memories to remember.
The one soon forgotten.
Sorry it was depressing. It seems like the only kind of poetry I can write successfully is depressing.But, I couldn't think of a title, so if you have a more fitting one please tell me.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,399 Literary Works • 674,390 Reviews
Hi there! Mizzle said most of what I can say, but I'd like to help you with this piece, too.
The repetition of "The one" bothered me very much as well. Parallel structure is great in prose (in smallish doses), but in verse, when every single word matters so much, such extreme repetition is boring and original. Also, I think that kind of repetition fairly restricted your voice here, and prevented you from truly making the reader feel what you are writing, as Mizzle said. Avoid this type of constant repetition and constraining structure in the future.
^^she said exactly what I would have said
Hey there, Morgan!
On the contrary, I didn't find this depressing. I probably should have - but I didn't, due to the way you wrote this piece. You see, to make a reader feel - really, truly feel - what the poem conveys, you need to do more than just write words on paper. There needs to be meaning in them, and around them - this lacks all meaning, in truth. It's just a bunch of words you've typed up at the moment. To add emotion, I find it best to sometimes describe how she feels, her past, or something. Your poem doesn't really allow for this, as it's already structured a certain way, but I think writing it in a different way/view might truly benefit you and this poem in the long run. Just a suggestion.
Aside from that, your constant repeating of this phrase: "the one..." bothered me so much. Not only did it hurt my eyes (not even kidding, all the words sort of jumbled together because of that little phrase) it was really unnecessary. I understand you might think it is what makes this poem what it is, and it does...it makes this poem of lesser quality than it could be. I'd suggest just using a different form, without the bothersome repetition.
One more thing - you seem to have neglected your punctuation in this poem. It's noticeable, and I suggest you fix it.
Overall, this has potential, but you need to work at it.
That said, I do think this has a nice idea behind it.
-Mizz-